2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers
except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk
when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l
o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
Sent to me by my dear friend Do.
TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR CATS
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
Sent to me by my dear friend Do.
THE CATS' BILL OF RIGHTS
1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of
boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging
the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In
other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants.
2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the
fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other
words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants.
3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain, and
effects, against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be
violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he
wants.
4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as
prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which
are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty, and the
pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is
entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants.
5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations,
indictments, and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to
a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided
said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses,
including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In
other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as it's cute.
6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be
tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans.
In other words: What I say goes. (And I say feed me ... Again.)
7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other
time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the
potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed
by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my
permission.
8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable
search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at
any time or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am
sleeping.
CATS - THE STAGE PLAY
"Cats" is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The show
romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of
America's most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing
and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the
true-to-life behavior of our feline companions.
Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do more accurately
to portray the true essence of cats.
* Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their
seats had been clawed and covered with fur.
* The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.
* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not --
depending on their mood.
* Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at
the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.
* When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast
member would attempt to lie down on it.
* In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl
up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
* For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the
lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then
continue as if nothing had happened.
* A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her
seat after the intermission.
* Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast
members for walking on the counter.
* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.
* Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and
shredding the theater curtains.
* The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball.
* Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and -- well,
we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?
* The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast
members to "bathe" themselves.
* Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at
the audience.
* The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on
a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.
* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after
performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
* Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with
them.
Poe's Cat
The End of the Raven
(With Apologies To Poe)
On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven,
in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor, "There is nothing I like more."
Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed,
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curious and weird decor,
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
his two cents' worth -"Nevermore".
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage,
and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.
"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out,
"Pussycat, it's time that I dried out!"
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty"
- then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered,
eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
